Last Updated On February 4, 2018

 

One: Don't pick up the phone You know he's only callin' 'cause he's drunk and alone Two: Don't let him in You'll have to kick him out again Three: Don't be his friend You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him -Dua Lipa

 

 

I’m a causes and conditions kind of girl. I see them all over the place; in the stars, on the sidewalks, floating in my cereal..I’ve got a crystalline brain, drawn to many facets- not smart enough to intellectualize but just intuitive enough to see many reasons, many connections, many befores and afters. I use my prismatical powers to resist oversimplification, to show generalized compassion. I flop open like a well worn cootie catcher offering up an assortment of possible outcomes, combinations, lines of inquiry. With humility- in a world that is both so predictable and highly unpredictable.

And I’m sure its annoying sometimes. Especially to those who want a straight narrative, who want to hear certain words. To those who wish to expeditiously nail down answers and solutions, cleaving right through the heart of the matter. And thats ok, because we need those people too.

But I found a glitch in the matrix, a place in my past and in my person, that is barren of causes and conditions. Its pretty harsh there. Unforgiving.

When I think back in time, to a thin slice of myself, I see a child with chronic stomach pain, a suicidal middle schooler, a high schooler in a controlling relationship, strange years of vague servitude- in absentia- performing but lacking desire- in bondage to my own life. I contained deep denial and a capacity for violence. Like I said, this wasn’t my totality, but it was a piece. A piece kept in my dusty attic with the embarrassments and badly drawn pictures and broken doll parts. I don’t think I am alone in this. But tucking it away and deeming it “old self” doesn’t make it irrelevant. Or untrue.

The glitch is in the attic. When I enter, my causes and conditions scatter from the light. And I accept it ALL. And by “accept”, I mean I take FULL responsibility. For being bad, broken, stupid, wasteful. My brain chemicals aren’t right. I am the lost one. I am too much. I am too little. I am the burden. I am slow. I am the problem. I am the weird one. Despite my big mind abilities in other arenas, this is the only stuff I take full credit for.

Until I recognized this glitch, I never realized that perhaps..IT WASN’T ALL ME.
All this time.
It wasn’t all me.
I too have the right to claim causes and conditions.

And all those times, through my lens of the most egomaniacal self-flogger, was I actually being blamed beyond my own masochism? When someone apologized for their bad behavior, that I assumed was my own fault, were they also apologizing for previously assuming my culpability?
Is this a twofer? Or is this just a question of staggered arrival times?

I’m sorry I seem detached, unreachable, difficult to be around,
But I am so busy pinning my sins,
Using state of the art aerial mapping technology,
Bouncing pulses off the ground to discover the topography
of the lost city between where I end
and other people begin.

So. My dear.
Draw closer.
Listen to me.

There were/are so many factors at play- agreements, attitudes, traditions, genetics- factors with no regard for your consent or understanding, especially during your formative years, although what years are we not forming? You are not the embodiment of resentments and regrets that don’t even belong to you. The system does not rest on your fixing.

Your insistence on full responsibility is not saving anyone. Its not holding up the house. It is not the sole road to forgiveness, acceptance, love. Let yourself off the hook and leap like a salmon, your facetted scales sparkling in the sun.

If you are so set on taking credit for something, take credit for lifting yourself out of pits of despair over and over again. Take credit for smoothing out your hair-raising anxious imagination and re-embracing your battered form. Take credit for continuing to come back better, realer, closer to fine. Take credit for not letting mediocrity stop you from creating and destroying worlds.

You are ridiculous. Its like on one hand you act like a shambling collection of flaws, and yet you also think you possess super powers.

Write an acceptance speech. It doesn’t need to be about casting blame or establishing villains. Be your magnanimous self. Give credit where credit is due or at the very least just establish that you couldn’t do it alone.
###

Psst…Would you like a “glitch” inspired special something? Check out Robin Grayson’s design on IF’s Society6 page: https://society6.com/product/glitch1120889_cards?sku=s6-8727542p22a16v71

 

Last Updated On February 4, 2018

 

One: Don't pick up the phone You know he's only callin' 'cause he's drunk and alone Two: Don't let him in You'll have to kick him out again Three: Don't be his friend You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him -Dua Lipa

 

I’m a causes and conditions kind of girl. I see them all over the place; in the stars, on the sidewalks, floating in my cereal..I’ve got a crystalline brain, drawn to many facets- not smart enough to intellectualize but just intuitive enough to see many reasons, many connections, many befores and afters. I use my prismatical powers to resist oversimplification, to show generalized compassion. I flop open like a well worn cootie catcher offering up an assortment of possible outcomes, combinations, lines of inquiry. With humility- in a world that is both so predictable and highly unpredictable.

And I’m sure its annoying sometimes. Especially to those who want a straight narrative, who want to hear certain words. To those who wish to expeditiously nail down answers and solutions, cleaving right through the heart of the matter. And thats ok, because we need those people too.

But I found a glitch in the matrix, a place in my past and in my person, that is barren of causes and conditions. Its pretty harsh there. Unforgiving.

When I think back in time, to a thin slice of myself, I see a child with chronic stomach pain, a suicidal middle schooler, a high schooler in a controlling relationship, strange years of vague servitude- in absentia- performing but lacking desire- in bondage to my own life. I contained deep denial and a capacity for violence. Like I said, this wasn’t my totality, but it was a piece. A piece kept in my dusty attic with the embarrassments and badly drawn pictures and broken doll parts. I don’t think I am alone in this. But tucking it away and deeming it “old self” doesn’t make it irrelevant. Or untrue.

The glitch is in the attic. When I enter, my causes and conditions scatter from the light. And I accept it ALL. And by “accept”, I mean I take FULL responsibility. For being bad, broken, stupid, wasteful. My brain chemicals aren’t right. I am the lost one. I am too much. I am too little. I am the burden. I am slow. I am the problem. I am the weird one. Despite my big mind abilities in other arenas, this is the only stuff I take full credit for.

Until I recognized this glitch, I never realized that perhaps..IT WASN’T ALL ME.
All this time.
It wasn’t all me.
I too have the right to claim causes and conditions.

And all those times, through my lens of the most egomaniacal self-flogger, was I actually being blamed beyond my own masochism? When someone apologized for their bad behavior, that I assumed was my own fault, were they also apologizing for previously assuming my culpability?
Is this a twofer? Or is this just a question of staggered arrival times?

I’m sorry I seem detached, unreachable, difficult to be around,
But I am so busy pinning my sins,
Using state of the art aerial mapping technology,
Bouncing pulses off the ground to discover the topography
of the lost city between where I end
and other people begin.

So. My dear.
Draw closer.
Listen to me.

There were/are so many factors at play- agreements, attitudes, traditions, genetics- factors with no regard for your consent or understanding, especially during your formative years, although what years are we not forming? You are not the embodiment of resentments and regrets that don’t even belong to you. The system does not rest on your fixing.

Your insistence on full responsibility is not saving anyone. Its not holding up the house. It is not the sole road to forgiveness, acceptance, love. Let yourself off the hook and leap like a salmon, your facetted scales sparkling in the sun.

If you are so set on taking credit for something, take credit for lifting yourself out of pits of despair over and over again. Take credit for smoothing out your hair-raising anxious imagination and re-embracing your battered form. Take credit for continuing to come back better, realer, closer to fine. Take credit for not letting mediocrity stop you from creating and destroying worlds.

You are ridiculous. Its like on one hand you act like a shambling collection of flaws, and yet you also think you possess super powers.

Write an acceptance speech. It doesn’t need to be about casting blame or establishing villains. Be your magnanimous self. Give credit where credit is due or at the very least just establish that you couldn’t do it alone.
###

Psst…Would you like a “glitch” inspired special something? Check out Robin Grayson’s design on IF’s Society6 page: https://society6.com/product/glitch1120889_cards?sku=s6-8727542p22a16v71

Last Updated On February 4, 2018

One: Don't pick up the phone You know he's only callin' 'cause he's drunk and alone Two: Don't let him in You'll have to kick him out again Three: Don't be his friend You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him -Dua Lipa

I’m a causes and conditions kind of girl. I see them all over the place; in the stars, on the sidewalks, floating in my cereal..I’ve got a crystalline brain, drawn to many facets- not smart enough to intellectualize but just intuitive enough to see many reasons, many connections, many befores and afters. I use my prismatical powers to resist oversimplification, to show generalized compassion. I flop open like a well worn cootie catcher offering up an assortment of possible outcomes, combinations, lines of inquiry. With humility- in a world that is both so predictable and highly unpredictable.

And I’m sure its annoying sometimes. Especially to those who want a straight narrative, who want to hear certain words. To those who wish to expeditiously nail down answers and solutions, cleaving right through the heart of the matter. And thats ok, because we need those people too.

But I found a glitch in the matrix, a place in my past and in my person, that is barren of causes and conditions. Its pretty harsh there. Unforgiving.

When I think back in time, to a thin slice of myself, I see a child with chronic stomach pain, a suicidal middle schooler, a high schooler in a controlling relationship, strange years of vague servitude- in absentia- performing but lacking desire- in bondage to my own life. I contained deep denial and a capacity for violence. Like I said, this wasn’t my totality, but it was a piece. A piece kept in my dusty attic with the embarrassments and badly drawn pictures and broken doll parts. I don’t think I am alone in this. But tucking it away and deeming it “old self” doesn’t make it irrelevant. Or untrue.

The glitch is in the attic. When I enter, my causes and conditions scatter from the light. And I accept it ALL. And by “accept”, I mean I take FULL responsibility. For being bad, broken, stupid, wasteful. My brain chemicals aren’t right. I am the lost one. I am too much. I am too little. I am the burden. I am slow. I am the problem. I am the weird one. Despite my big mind abilities in other arenas, this is the only stuff I take full credit for.

Until I recognized this glitch, I never realized that perhaps..IT WASN’T ALL ME.
All this time.
It wasn’t all me.
I too have the right to claim causes and conditions.

And all those times, through my lens of the most egomaniacal self-flogger, was I actually being blamed beyond my own masochism? When someone apologized for their bad behavior, that I assumed was my own fault, were they also apologizing for previously assuming my culpability?
Is this a twofer? Or is this just a question of staggered arrival times?

I’m sorry I seem detached, unreachable, difficult to be around,
But I am so busy pinning my sins,
Using state of the art aerial mapping technology,
Bouncing pulses off the ground to discover the topography
of the lost city between where I end
and other people begin.

So. My dear.
Draw closer.
Listen to me.

There were/are so many factors at play- agreements, attitudes, traditions, genetics- factors with no regard for your consent or understanding, especially during your formative years, although what years are we not forming? You are not the embodiment of resentments and regrets that don’t even belong to you. The system does not rest on your fixing.

Your insistence on full responsibility is not saving anyone. Its not holding up the house. It is not the sole road to forgiveness, acceptance, love. Let yourself off the hook and leap like a salmon, your facetted scales sparkling in the sun.

If you are so set on taking credit for something, take credit for lifting yourself out of pits of despair over and over again. Take credit for smoothing out your hair-raising anxious imagination and re-embracing your battered form. Take credit for continuing to come back better, realer, closer to fine. Take credit for not letting mediocrity stop you from creating and destroying worlds.

You are ridiculous. Its like on one hand you act like a shambling collection of flaws, and yet you also think you possess super powers.

Write an acceptance speech. It doesn’t need to be about casting blame or establishing villains. Be your magnanimous self. Give credit where credit is due or at the very least just establish that you couldn’t do it alone.
###

Psst…Would you like a “glitch” inspired special something? Check out Robin Grayson’s design on IF’s Society6 page: https://society6.com/product/glitch1120889_cards?sku=s6-8727542p22a16v71

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