Its elemental, my dear Watson.

My birthday was a daylong shifting of welcome faces and voices. Images flying by with no respect for retention like an out of control view master. I’d imagine it was much like the slide wheel of my birth with glimpses of light and color and invitation. It was a day of power and joy and everything I could’ve ever wanted. My kitchen table a nexus for all of it.

It was mentioned how I am a Sagittarius, a fire sign. The guests in the know, nodded knowingly. And it struck me as strange but not so strange. Like a secret worthy of sheepish denial or downplay.

I said, “No worries, friends. I only burn myself.”

And we all laughed, as I hiccuped, smoke curling around my lip.

I realized that its possible I walk the earth as an impostor. Pretending like I am all water and coolness and flow. I feel like I’ve always been steered in this direction, like it is somehow a more virtuous path, like it is more palatable to others, like my flexible accommodating ways were not learned or reactionary but rather an outgrowth of my easy nature. It always seemed safer to keep the fire under wraps, but honestly, I’ve always been bursting.

At times I have stoked an internal inferno. My fire cannibalizing my essence, sending terrible messages to my brain, bringing tears to my eyes, my lungs haggard and raw with breathing. Sometimes my heart feels like scorched earth as I try to maintain my watery exterior. And this makes me weak. All this damage I do to my own home. My energy star efficiency rating is not good at all. I will not be getting any tax rebates. Because most of my heat is an utter waste.

And to add insult to injury, instead of using water as a balm, I use it as another way to self-sabotage. When I get fired up about an idea, a project, a cause- its without fail that I misuse my balm to cool my fires (convince myself it will pass, or that the time isn’t right, or that its best to just float along). Its a travesty. I feel those coals scorch my mouth only to immediately hiss into the ether. I could use this fire to become a force, but instead I just casually hose it down to embers every time. Where is my water when I am torturing myself? Why is it easier to kill my efforts that to be my own friend?

So. I use my fire against myself and I use my water against my fire. I’m like some fucked up ouroboros tumble weeding into the sunset. I think I just stumbled upon my next tattoo idea…

But I have this vision. That if I got used to blowing life into things, that this inefficiency would somehow right itself. I wouldn’t have to be consumed. I would become a human kiln. I would be cracking down like a badass blacksmith, clanging with resonance. Harnessing and shaping and exhaling and making bubbles in glass. My fire like a tool, not a storm.

But its hard to do things differently when your ways are so longstanding. And when ostensibly, your ways work. When you are already functioning and doing what you need to do. When the status quo is acceptable to everyone but you- that is a tough one! No peer pressure, this is completely an inside job. A birthday gift no one else can give you.

I think I need a valve or a flue…I’d prefer a controlled burn. I tire of the devastation no one else can see. Who will teach me how to be a good Sagittarius? A fire bender. To be receptive to its energies rather than a casualty of it. I want my fire to clear a path, to inspire, to light the way. I want to warm myself with own fire rather than abuse myself with it. Its delicate work, negotiating with opposing forces.

And because I am blessed as fuck- I turn to a friend for guidance. She left me breadcrumbs, giving me a box with a water element mandala as a birthday gift.

“Shit. I might not make sense. Bare with me

So I realized that I’m a fire sign who pretends to be a water sign

And directs fire inward, against myself

And water, instead of being a balancing, balm type influence has become a delusion and an excuse

Fuck. I feel so broken right now. Does any of this make sense?”

She says:

“The thing with Sagittarius tends to be the most diffuse of the fire signs, it is inspired in terms of intellect and idea creation but does not have the focus to always follow through, Sag wants to do it all but you have to do one thing at a time to see your ideas come to fruition. You may be therefore a combination of water and fire (I know because I bloody well am) It is hard, water and fire do not work in harmony with each other, think about it water can literally destroy fire, put it out, fire cannot destroy water but it can change it for example from water to steam. IT all makes sense, you are being pulled in different directions by different elements.”

“This is so reassuring

Like that this is a real and understandable thing. And it makes sense.

And I feel like I can ease up and not blame myself so much anymore

Thank you for not thinking I’m crazy.”

She says:

“You have to be kind to yourself or you become frozen, fire is a fragile creature, water is (strangely enough) strong. Do not blame yourself for your nature, fire cannot handle that kind of pressure, one step at a time, one project at a time, think on the wisdom of water, how it falls on a mountain as rain and finds a small crack in the rock and year after year as the rain falls the crack in the rock grows is worn away, slowly patiently it falls and erodes that rock until after a millennia it has carved a channel for itself, it had created a river, changed the landscape entirely . and brought life to barren places, one drop at at a time, slowly patiently with itself and surroundings until it makes a huge impact! You are not crazy at all.”

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