This whole “first woman running for president” thing is getting me down. First of all, not the first or the last. Check out the National Women’s History museum site for more info on that:

https://www.nwhm.org/online-exhibits/president/president.html

The first to get a major party nomination. Um, yay? I SO wanted to be excited about this moment. I wanted to feel proud and historical and epically represented. But I can’t even muster it, I’m jealous of those who can. Its been pretty well established that she resorted to unethical means to secure her nomination. Why does this shock me? Can I possibly be this naive? I wanted her to be better than that. Is this what equality looks like? Following in the footsteps of all the others, pulling the same tricks..Is this the only path for a woman or anyone to get traction towards the White House? God, its depressing. I can’t celebrate. Bill broke my heart in the 90’s, and Hilary now. That same feeling of shattered innocence.

What helps me keep it in perspective is that the presidency, despite my romantical notions about it, represents the ruling class more than the people. Even though we vote, our candidates get winnowed down behind closed doors and in shitty emails that sometimes go public.

But I don’t want to sound like I am above the fray because thats just a function of my privilege. To laugh at Trump’s comments, to deem his presence on the scene as “surreal”, to use the situation to feel intellectually superior, to make white liberal bullshit comments like “I’m moving to Canada (or Ireland or wherever) if he’s elected are all made possible by my whiteness. How nice for me to consider relocation as opposed to exile behind a wall. How nice for me to be able to laugh at something that threatens the very wellbeing of others. How nice for me to deem his rhetoric as an aberration when people of color are saying “this is no surprise”.

And to the Bernie or bust crowd- if you are a white dude, stand down. Seriously. I don’t want to hear from you. You have nothing to lose so you have zero credibility with me. I only want to hear from people who are afraid for their blackness or their queerness or their vaginas or their ethnicities or their religious preferences. Gee, whats that I hear? Silence? Its easy to gamble when you’re on top, when you don’t have to worry about ending up in a concentration camp.

I am so disheartened by that red and blue map of the “United” States. I invented “purple” as a way to cope. I believe that if all the people in all the states were asked not WHO are you going to vote for but rather how do you FEEL about voting- our seemingly divided country would meld into what I call a “dispassionate purple”. Nobody is really thrilled with what we’ve been handed and maybe that is where our commonality lies, and maybe even our superpower. I find dispassionate purple comforting. I am so sick of the discourse around the idea of “passion”. Be PASSIONATE about this, be PASSIONATE about that, follow your PASSION. Its exhausting and inflated. And somehow we took sex out of it. Anyway. Maybe we need to sit with dispassionate for a bit, calm the fuck down, and stop looking up and outside for our answers. Instead look across and look within. Kindness doesn’t operate according to trickle down economics. The good stuff we seek- the mercy, the healing, the generosity, the creativity will always be grassroots. Our divisions do not serve us, but they do serve the ruling class. And I would say conversely (inversely? I’m not sure) our unity, our values must influence the ruling class. Otherwise, why would they support our division? Sorry, did I get too Marxist?

Speaking of divisions- party politics. No party has a monopoly on morality. Every party thinks it embodies whats “right”- they don’t. By definition a political party (not to be confused with an actually fun party) is based on the supposition of “in” people and “out” people, us versus them. A political party does not have the capacity to claim the moral highground. I have watched people in my largely liberal (and educated, we always like to add that) town go for the jugular in righteousness. Its not like some unsuspecting Republican stumbled into a co-op meeting and said words. I mean from within! Neighbor against neighbor. Peace-loving, laidback people went completely off the hook because they just could not tolerate any dissent, somebody HAS to be right. Establishing moral superiority through intimidation and personal attacks, creating lasting divisions and fear among friends and colleagues. I guess thats one way to follow your passion….

So this is why I don’t follow the news so closely. This is why I protect myself from People with a capitol P, because I love people with a lower-case p. I’ll remain dispassionate, in a sea of purple with so many others, and maybe this will be our salvation.